Joke of the Week

Its been a while Griff

Subject: Best Dear john letter


A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since
you've
been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return
the
picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
Snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends,
aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky
included all
the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his
buddies.There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your
picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Ricky

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and
asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is
this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord
asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, "No." The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is
this your wife?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the woodcutter. The Lord was
furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up
with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no' to her, You would have
come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given all three
to me.

"Lord, I am a poor man, and I am not able to take care of all three wives,
so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honourable reason, and for the benefit of others.
(Why am I having trouble ratifying in my own mind the last sentence ladies?) Angie

Got one for you guys... There was this Gynacologist who was very worried about the insurance issues and decided to retrain for a new profession. Since he was good with his hands he chose to become a mechanic. So he enrolled in night school. His first exam came and he passed with flying colours. Of course this happend right up to the final exams. When he got his results he was astounded that he got 200 percent. He phoned the teacher. "How was it that I got 200 percent?" he asked. The teacher replied..." You got 50 percent for dismantling the motor correctly and 50 percent for putting it back together perfectly the other 100 percent was the skill factor ... you achieved all this through the muffler! Helen

A plan gone wrong.............................. A knockout young lady wanted to get rich quick so she proceeded to find herself a rich 90-year-old man and planned to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?" The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

GETTING READY FOR CHRISTMAS (not for the children!) tgintl/jay

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FOR THE SENIOR BOGGERS: REMEMBER, OLD FOLKS ARE WORTH A FORTUNE, WITH SILVER IN THEIR HAIR, GOLD IN THEIR TEETH, STONES IN THEIR KIDNEYS, LEAD IN THEIR FEET, AND GAS IN THEIR STOMACHS. I HAVE BECOME A LITTLE OLDER SINCE I SAW YOU LAST AND A FEW CHANGES HAVE COME INTO MY LIFE SINCE THEN. FRANKLY, I HAVE BECOME QUITE A FRIVOLOUS OLD GAL. I AM SEEING FIVE GENTLEMAN EVERY DAY. AS SOON AS I WAKE UP WILL POWER HELPS ME GET OUT OF BED. THEN I GO TO SEE JOHN. THEN CHARLIE HORSE COMES ALONG, AND WHEN HE IS HERE HE TAKES A LOT OF MY TIME AND ATTENTION. WHEN HE LEAVES, ARTHUR RITIS SHOWS UP AND STAYS THE REST OF THE DAY. HE DOESN'T LIKE TO STAY IN ONE PLACE VERY LONG, SO HE TAKES ME FROM JOINT TO JOINT. AFTER SUCH A BUSY DAY I'M REALLY TIRED AND GLAD TO GO TO BED WITH BEN GAY. WHAT A LIFE!! P.S. THE PREACHER CAME TO CALL THE OTHER DAY. HE SAID AT MY AGE I SHOULD BE THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. I TOLD HIM OH, I DO ALL THE TIME. NO MATTER WHERE I AM IN THE PARLOR, UPSTAIRS, IN THE KITCHEN OR DOWN IN THE BASEMENT, I ASK MYSELF NOW...WHAT AM I HERE AFTER??

Should have posted this during the "pet attendance" discussions ! FOR PROTECTION, MY FATHER BOUGHT ME A GERMAN SHEPARD DOG. WHEN HE FOUND OUT I WAS JEWISH, HE BIT ME. HE WAS A WONDERFUL WATCHDOG. ONE EVENING WHEN I WAS BEING HELD UP, HE WATCHED. EVERYBODY WHO HAS A DOG CALLS HIM EITHER ROVER OR BOY. I CALL MINE SEX. NOW, SEX IS A VERY EMBARRASSING NAME. ONE DAY I TOOK SEX FOR A WALK AND HE RAN AWAY FROM ME. I SPENT HOURS LOOKING FOR THE DOG. A COP CAME OVER TO ME AND SAID, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS ALLEY AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING?" I SAID, "I'M LOOKING FOR SEX." MY CASE COMES UP THURSDAY. ONE DAY I WENT TO CITY HALL TO GET A DOG LICENSE AND TOLD THE CLERK, "I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A LICENSE FOR SEX." HE SAID, "I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE ONE TOO." THEN I SAID, "BUT THIS IS A DOG," AND HE SAID HE DIDN'T CARE HOW SHE LOOKED. THEN I SAID, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, I HAD SEX SINCE I WAS TWO YEARS OLD." HE SAID, "YOU MUST HAVE BEEN A VERY STRONG BABY." I TOLD HIM THAT WHEN MY SPOUSE AND I SEPARATED, WE WENT TO COURT TO FIGHT FOR CUSTODY OF THE DOG. I SAID, "YOUR HONOR, I HAD SEX BEFORE I WAS MARRIED." AND THE JUDGE SAID, "ME TOO." WHEN I TOLD HIM THAT I HAD SEX ON TV HE SAID, "SHOW OFF." I TOLD HIM THAT IT WAS A CONTEST AND HE TOLD ME I SHOULD HAVE SOLD TICKETS. I ALSO TOLD THE JUDGE ABOUT THE TIME MY SPOUSE AND I WERE ON OUR HONEYMOON AND WE TOOK THE DOG SEX. WHEN I CHECKED INTO THE MOTEL, I TOLD THE CLERK THAT I WANTED A ROOM FOR THE TWO OF US, AND A SPECIAL ROOM FOR SEX. THE CLERK SAID THAT EVERY ROOM IN THE MOTEL WAS FOR SEX. THEN I SAID, "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND, SEX KEEPS ME AWAKE AT NIGHT." AND THE CLERK SAID, "ME TOO." I GIVE UP ...................... that's all for now - tgintl/jay

Formatting: If the following characters are showing up in your posts (<o:p> </o:p>) you are probably copying from a word document and all of the format symbols are set forth. If you first copy and paste into a notepad document that will remove all of the formatting and you can organize and post cleanly into a message. tgintl/jay

TWO prawns, one called Bill and the other called Christian, were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks. One day Bill said to Christian, " I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." While Bill had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, " Your wish is granted," and lo and behold, Bill turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Bill found himself bored and lonely being a shark. All his old mates swam away whenever he came close to them. While he was out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and begs him to change him back. Lo and behold he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Bill swam back to his old friends but couldn't find Christian. " He's at home. He's terribly distraught that his best friend has changed sides to the enemy and became a shark," he was told. Eager to put things right again, he set off to Christian's house. He banged on the door and shouted, " It's me, Bill, your old friend, come out and see me again." "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked, " said Christian. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ..........." I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again, Christian !!!!

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

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The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish President, a Susan Vineberg. So the President-elect calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day.

"So ma, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, and your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again." "Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door." "I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy; I don't know what on Earth I would wear." "Oh mom," replies Susan, "Don't worry about it. I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown by Christian Dior." "Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, please, I want you to come." So Mom agrees and so on January 21, 2013, Susan Vineberg is being sworn in as President of the United States of America.

In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her; "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do." "Her brother's a Doctor."

Subject: Flea to Florida
> Two fleas had an Arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a vacation.
> Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking. The
other
> flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?" The
> first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a
guy
> on a Harley."
> The other flea responds saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try what
I
> do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you are
> there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where
it's
> warm and cozy. It's the best way to travel that I can think of."
> The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next
> summer. A year goes by.....
> When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering and shaking again.
> The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
> "Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the New
> Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess
> came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm
> that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on
> the Harley.