Tool definitions

Submitted: Saturday, Feb 10, 2007 at 23:59
ThreadID: 123315 Views:4956 Replies:1 FollowUps:0
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1. DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

2. WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "sh@t!!!"

3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

4. PLIERS:

Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.

5. HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

6. VISE GRIP PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for setting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS:

Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG OREGON 4X4:

Used to attempt to lever an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

11. TWEEZERS:

A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Oregon.

12. TELEPHONE:

Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:

Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your boots.

14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST:

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.

16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

17. AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.

18. TROUBLE LIGHT:

The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.

20. AIR COMPRESSOR:

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to an pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at GM, and rounds them off or twists them off.

21. PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

22. HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

23. HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, plastic parts and the other hand not holding the knife.

:-)
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Reply By: Motherhen & Rooster - Sunday, Feb 11, 2007 at 01:56

Sunday, Feb 11, 2007 at 01:56
Love them Mick and Vickie - and for those who are parents;

THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN
Your Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your
doctor confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
______________________________________________________
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time,
breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
______________________________________________________
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and
discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
______________________________________________________
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress-a whimper,
a frown-you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails
threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how
to rewind the mechanical swing.
____________________________________________________
Dummies:
1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor,
you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor,
you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
______________________________________________________
Nappies:
1st baby: You change your baby's nappies every hour,
whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours,
if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to
complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
______________________________________________________
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics,
Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket
and the dry cleaner.
______________________________________________________
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter,
you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave
a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call
only if she sees blood.
______________________________________________________
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day
just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your
older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day
hiding from the children.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin,
you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin,
you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!
______________________________________________________

GRANDCHILDREN :
God's reward for allowing your children to live
Motherhen

Red desert dreaming

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